The Darkness of the Human Being's Heart

My feelings, my choices, and my moods change from time to time, depending on the situation in which I find myself. Right now, here are some of the emotions dwelling in my heart and mind.

The most evil people are those who are indifferent and devoid of human compassion. Very rarely, and only with a valid reason, will I feel hatred towards people; and I'm furiously angry right now. And the worst part is, I can't do anything about it; for at this stage of my life, I’m virtually helpless, with no one to turn to and trust my sentiments with. All I can do is indite my emotions into words. I'm suppressed. I'm repressed.

If only I had the choice, I'd rather be with total strangers who can utter sincere smiles and will engage in friendly conversations with me than be with people close to me in relations but don't care a bit and look at me condescendingly and consider me stupid and nonexistent.

I'm bored, depressed, and uninspired. My literary pen is running out of ink. And the well of inspiration from where I draw my ink is currently dry and empty. Loneliness and solitariness are the worst feelings in the world. They are eating away my vigor, my vitality, my energy, my thoughts, my brilliance, my ideas. They are rendering me hapless, helpless, and hopeless, crumbling all my dreams and confusing my ideals. They are making me feel useless and unimportant, insignificant and nonexistent. They are making me cry pathetically until I run out of tears to shed, until I feel apathetic and numb. They are taking away my appetite and patience and resilience and has afflicted me with insomnia and melancholia yet again.

Sometimes I am wishing that I die in my sleep while dreaming of wonderful things. (I’m glad, though, I have my family to live for.)

Sometimes I am doubting if I made the right decision of ever leaving home in the first place. (I’m glad, though, I have my grand vision and dreams to look forward to.)

And, most of the times, I am doubting the person who I really am. (I’m glad, though, I have many friends who keep on confirming that I am doubtlessly the person whom I think I am.)

“Ralph wept for the end of innocence,
the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air of
a true, wise friend called Piggy.”—William Golding, Lord of the Flies

- 11:50 p.m., May 3, 2004, Monday; Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
(While listening to "Forbidden City" by Electronic [Raise the Pressure; 1996, Warner Bros.])